round-up: 8/25
housekeeping, reading/listening/watching/buying recommendations, quotations, etc.
Happy Saturday!
Here’s what I have for you today:
Housekeeping
What I’m watching
What I’m listening to
What I’m reading
Quotations
75 nice things to do for yourself
& a disclaimer, again: Things are mostly terrible right now, and the violence is appalling, and there are many people out there who have addressed and do address it better than I ever could, so I’m not getting on a soapbox here—this will just be your weekly round-up featuring what I’ve been reading and thinking through, like usual.
^ I pissed someone off with my reading materials last week, which was odd because I didn’t think “violence is appalling” was a controversial statement. Weird times we’re living in.
Here are some more things worth reading:
As Gaza death toll passes 40,000, corpses are buried in yards, streets, tiered graves
Newborn twins killed in Israel's offensive in Gaza as their dad went to get their birth certificates
US official says Mideast mediators are preparing for implementation of cease-fire deal in advance
Housekeeping:
I made a keychain and added it to my keys this week. Look.
I also thrifted some new boots to stomp around in.
Things I bought this week:
These shoe inserts, because I am obsessed with cosplaying as a tall person
So much firm tofu, beacuse my new obsession is vegan egg salad
What I’m watching:
What I’m listening to:
This:
And this, again:
What I’m reading:
COVID is on the rise this summer. Here's why and what else you should know
‘A Lot of Us Are Gone’: How the Push to Diversify Publishing Fell Short
Quotations:
When I am feeling what we call self-love, I feel the self fall away, and the love is not aimed at an Andrea-shaped target, but instead it is pointing everywhere, in every direction, at the whole of us, the collective, of which I am a part. In fact, only when I am experiencing this love does my sense of being separate from others reveal itself to be an illusion.
What is your definition of alive? Mine is experiencing this love, and staying true to my commitment to finding my way back to it whenever I have lost my way.
I don't care that abuse and harassment is a normal thing to do to people who are famous or a little famous.
-Chappell Roan
Your heart is your actions. Whatever motivates you, whether it’s a quick buck, honest racism, or a desire for Christ’s return to earth (this was the Zionism I was raised on), baying for the slaughter of Palestinians is white supremacy and colonialism, pure and simple.
You look at the culture around you, or you look at a specific piece of work, and you try to figure out how it’s in conversation with reality as you observe it, with the history of work like it. If you’re making your own work, you try to enter that conversation. Hopefully, you have something to add, sometimes you just want to have fun; I think that’s a perfectly fine reason to write a book. Is Jaws really “about” anything? Eh, not really. But it still rules!
I was a critic before I had any kind of exposure as a writer. I was writing fiction, but I wasn’t trying to get it published. Being a part of that conversation has made me a lot more self-critical, a lot more intentional about what I do and don’t write. I’m thinking consciously: “What do I have to add to this? What do I have to say or show that other people aren’t saying or showing?” Because film and books are so overwhelmingly cis and straight and every other piece of hegemonic identity, it turns out I have a lot to say that other people aren’t saying because they aren’t given a chance to say it.
I’ve never been inclined toward autobiography. My books are a collection of translated experiences of my own, things I’ve observed, stories from people I know, and recombinations of things from fiction that I love.
I think the joy of art is that you are stepping into someone’s mind, or as close as we can get to that and experiencing the world through their eyes. Personally, I always try to be open to that. I try to have experiences that I haven’t had in my life.
I wanted to show people like me, broke people who are in constant panic over where rent is coming from, people who have been institutionalized, people who are just never done having a hard time. Life is not fair to them. But they still have to get out of bed and be adults.
I’ve always loved gore and body horror. Again, it’s cathartic. I spent so long as a child lying awake at night praying for my body to change. And to see it actually happen through special effects or on the page is so moving to me and so exciting and beautiful, even when it’s horrendous and upsetting. To me a good body horror scene is a sex scene. You’re engaging in this kind of penetration of what’s visible and what’s invisible, what’s fixed and what’s mutable. These things start to dissolve and you enter the realm of pure fantasy. It’s a really transformative experience. When I’m done writing a scene like that, I want a cigarette [laughs].
This newsletter’s a little long today, so open it up in a new browser if you want to make it to the end.
We’re raised to hate our bodies, we’re raised to hate the things that we feel deep need for. How could we not create these other expressions of those needs? How could we not imagine something as simple as, “What if I had a hole that it wasn’t bad to get fisted in?” And Cronenberg is there to say, “I’ve got you, babe.” I always talk about him as; “My biological father, David Cronenberg.” In some ways, those directors were the parents I needed when my parents didn’t know what to do or had been taught to do the wrong thing. I think that’s a common experience for a lot of queer people. You get raised by art.
Childhood is a process of repeated transgressions to find out where the lines are.
It’s a fantasy I permit myself because I don’t indulge in a ton of them in my work; the fantasy that you can, in limited small ways, eradicate something evil from the world.
Language is fun. Language is joyous to me. I love to play around with it, to leave little funny tidbits for people to pick up on.
When a queer person tells me that they don’t feel “queer enough,” or that their queerness has never had the opportunity to be expressed, typically what they are expressing is that they lack a robust queer community, and they currently don’t get to live a queer life. Usually that must be remedied by forging more relationships with other LGBTQ people, and embedding oneself more firmly within queer spaces, so that they can be seen as they truly are, and appreciated as a valuable member.
You say you love your partner more than anything and would never do anything to hurt her. But you can't promise yourself that. Every partner hurts one another in some way or another, sometimes even intentionally, over the course of a long relationship. But hurting one another in a relationship is, also, not the end of the world. We all make mistakes, say things we regret, lose control of our faculties at times, or are simply forced to reconcile that what we need conflicts with what another person does. Sometimes we put our needs first, even though it's uncomfortable.
It feels to me like a series of demonic possessions - an idea comes, it takes up residence inside me and the only way to get it out is to say the proper words in the right order.
When I actually sit down to write, the things that come out first feel like lines the demon is screaming. They’re the things I feel most strongly about. Then I write paragraphs around those lines.
Every time I cut something, I'll never delete it. I just copy and paste it under a line at the bottom of the document. That's how I know I'm making progress – the graveyard gets larger and larger and the only things that are left alive are the things I didn't think I should kill.
If it scares me, there’s probably something valuable there.
Do you ever feel that there is some zone of happy living that is just out of reach for you and that maybe it has to do with your body? Some sense that something is waiting just below the surface to be unearthed and that you can’t get at it with your mind?
I have the strong sense that I have gone as far towards joy as thinking can take me and that the next phase lives, unfortunately for me, somewhere south of my head.
The pain is unavoidable and it does us no good to try to block it out.
I […] really didn’t want to shy away from the physical discomfort and self-disgust that can come with bingeing, even though my instinct is still to lie about it or sanitize it; ultimately, having a body is a terrible gift and a gorgeous burden, and I never want to forget that.
75 nice things to do for yourself:
Courtesy of The Ann Friedman Weekly—
Stop looking at your phone first thing in the morning. Just stare around your room for a few minutes first.
Get up an hour early and let yourself watch bad TV while you eat a hot breakfast and leisurely get dressed.
Eat an edible + 60 min reflexology session.
Stick to exercise that you enjoy and let go of the stuff that feels like a chore.
Prioritize consistency over intensity in exercise.
Get a nice haircut!!
Keep dumplings in the freezer.
Take fart walks.
Get an ergonomic desk setup for work. Doesn’t have to be fancy, just adjust until everything is actually at the correct height for your body!
Grant yourself permission to wear clothes that aren't "flattering." You don't owe anyone a particular body shape or size.
Let yourself cry.
Do a small creative project on your lunch break.
Practice the mantra “I’m still learning.”
If you notice yourself judging, reframe it as a neutral statement. "That woman is wearing a cop-top", or "that guy is eating a donut.”
Put yourself in time-out when you’re feeling irritable. Rather than push through, cancel your plans, sit quietly, and feel better.
Set an alarm every 30 minutes while you work to make sure you take plenty of breaks and breaths.
Allow 10-15 minutes of movement to “count.” Little movements more often.
Take a day of PTO every month to do nothing.
Quit things you don't want to do. Not just saying no beforehand, like actually stopping mid-activity if you aren't enjoying it.
Share positive things you think about other people.
Take quiet weeks after social weeks.
Delete TikTok and Instagram.
When you have a work trip, go a day early and stay in a hotel alone.
Reintroduce things you loved when you were younger (swimming, singing, tennis, drawing).
Masturbate, the ultimate form of self care.
Put "outside days" on the calendar months in advance and then follow through.
Change to a more gender-affirming shower gel scent.
Stare out the window and do nothing for a moment.
Make a list of fun, normal, and hard things you hope to do in a week (sorted by category) and pick a few from each category every day to accomplish.
Don’t hold your pee for anyone! Go when you need to go.
Buy new underwear more often.
Refill your prescriptions automatically.
Get a backpack you don't hate.
Go analog regularly—write by hand, listen to vinyl, etc.
Take a breath before reacting.
Smile whenever you see yourself in the mirror.
Ask a friend to do a hard thing with you.
Use mouthwash. Your gums will be THRILLED.
Get a weekly babysitter.
Schedule time with friends and stick to it.
Use ChatGPT to help you compose emails and texts when you need to address conflict but feel scared about hurting people’s feelings! Helps deal with conflict rather than avoid it.
Switch to NA beers/drinks on the weekdays.
Do not apologize for things that aren’t actually your fault.
Light candles. Amazing how helpful it can be to stay grounded when activating your sense of smell.
Get to sink zero (aka no dirty dishes) every work night.
Tell someone about a thing that’s difficult for you.
Switch doctors if yours is making you feel bad.
Schedule a “life admin date” with yourself to pay bills, make appointments, respond to tough emails.
Let yourself say, “I don’t know.” Give yourself more time to think, more time to be unsure, more time in general.
Leave the party when you’re ready.
Stop weighing yourself.
Soak in hot water (Korean spas, hot springs, baths, etc).
Roll your glutes.
Try needlepoint or knitting to watch TV without simultaneously scrolling on your phone.
Spend more time with your friends without drinking.
Buy multiple pairs of glasses. Wearing glasses every day inevitably irritates the nose, ears, eyes. Having different pairs to rotate makes such a difference.
Reframe household chores as messages to yourself that your comfort is worth the effort.
Set a timer to clean up and STOP when the timer stops.
Write out what three things matter most to you right now.
Stop giving 110% at work and dial it down to 80%. Honestly no one will even know.
Acknowledge when everything feels like too much and take a day to reset if you can.
Stop reading the news like it’s your job.
Embrace slutting.
Add pumps to everything in the shower.
Keep your warmest blanket nicely folded in the living room so it's always right there when you need it.
Almost always have music on in your house.
Practice self-compassion by telling yourself "I'm a good person having a hard time."
Let yourself eat frozen/instant/fast food when you’re busy and tired, even though it doesn't fit the aesthetic of what we've been told is a successful life. Always keep a supply of Cool Ranch Doritos on hand.
Do the 5-minute tasks the moment you think of them, don’t put them off.
Sleep in a separate bedroom from your partner if you want to.
Try a magnesium sleep cocktail at night.
Give yourself a little facial massage.
Plug in your phone outside the bedroom. Only read fiction after 8pm.
Remind yourself to “start with half.” Applies to so many things.
Stop trying to find a perfect self-care routine and just try to do something every day to make yourself and the world more loving.
That’s all for today!
-Despy Boutris
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